# Forget your love



## darkshadow (May 25, 2013)

Hello

I proposed to a girl and she rejected. After that I still have feelings for her and we work in the same company. How can I forget her? She starts refusing to work with me or talk to me. Isn't it me who should be angry for getting rejected? Why did she start avoiding me?


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## drhowarddrfine (May 25, 2013)

I doubt she's angry at you. Just embarrassed and uncomfortable and doesn't know how to handle the situation herself. To calm things down, you can just apologize for misinterpreting your relationship with her (that you thought your feelings were mutual) and tell her you won't bother her about it anymore. Doing such a thing may be hard for you but, once it's done, you'll immediately see a very positive response.


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## DutchDaemon (May 25, 2013)

Yes, _embarrassment_ is the first thing that comes to mind. Embarrassment about having had to reject you (because a proposal _requires_ a reply), and embarrassment to be around you because of it. It probably makes her feel uneasy, primarily because she is afraid to hurt you, or to see you in pain. She is afraid that she will cause you further pain by being around you. You should not see that as a rejection, but as a gesture of good will. I am _assuming_ that you did not overstep any boundaries of respect, because in that case she may simply think you're a jerk or a stalker. That sounds harsh, but I don't know the dynamic, or the cultural details (seeing as you're probably in a predominantly Muslim culture).


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## h3z (May 25, 2013)

I agree. She is just emotionally conflicted with the results. I wouldn't even approach her to apologize. Unless it can be done in a way that clears you from looking like you are trying to prolong the incident. It could easily be seen that way. Since this is your job, I would ignore her reaction and treat her like any other employee. When and if she calms her emotion towards the situation down, maybe you can establish a standard kinship or something. I would avoid any possible scenario, where you come out looking like a harasser. Logic comes before emotion. Emotion should serve you. Not you its servant. Remember that the word love, in most common usages it just a replacement for the word desire. It has nothing to do with fate, or anything like that. And, the most logical usage of the word love, is just plain old complete acceptance. So, in this situation I'd myself prefer the love of acceptance, and just let her be. If this is who she wants to be, give her the space to be as estranged as she wishes to be.

I may be completely wrong. But, these are my thoughts on it.


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## gkontos (May 25, 2013)

Start hitting on her best friend / coworker. At the same time be polite and typical to her but ignore her completely.


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## ShelLuser (May 25, 2013)

First I want to wish the both of you all the best, I can well imagine that this will cause quite a bit of (unpleasant) pressure for the both of you.

For what's it worth; if there's one thing I learned during the past years when I started "dating" (dunno don't know if you can really call it that, but that's besides the point) it's that it's nearly impossible to fully understand a girl or a woman.

I am generalizing here mind you, and it's written with all due respect, but "we" (men) usually approach a situation where we let reason and logic apply whereas women will often approach a situation based on their emotions. Not all the time, and I have to stress that I am generalizing here.

Even so; in my opinion it's that difference in approach which can cause some very weird, illogical or plainly bizarre situations sometimes.

As to what to do; can't answer that.


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## cpm@ (May 25, 2013)

This explains everything, at least for me 

P.S. I wish the best for both.


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## sossego (May 25, 2013)

gkontos said:
			
		

> Start hitting on her best friend / coworker. At the same time be polite and typical to her but ignore her completely.



That was funny.


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## darkshadow (May 25, 2013)

Actually I told her that I respect her decision, and  I will not bother her during work. But still she tries to avoid me, Not saying good morning or even sit beside me. The last time we had a meeting she kept writing in her notebook without giving any attention to what I was talking about. I don't want her any more, I just want to make work comfortable to me and her?


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## DutchDaemon (May 25, 2013)

To me, that seems like an obvious sign that she simply has no idea whatsoever about how to handle the situation. A mix of embarrassment, shame, and shyness. If she will not listen to you when you try to talk to her about it, all you can really do is _either_ write her a letter, explaining that you will respect her decision and her privacy and that you will just be colleagues and nothing else, _or_ have someone you both know and trust (a mutual friend, colleague) convey that message. As someone who had the occasional fling at work, I know it is a treacherous minefield, best avoided. No one wins. Good luck.


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## drhowarddrfine (May 25, 2013)

Not to mention that girls are just weird.


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## trh411 (May 25, 2013)

Unfortunately, this exhibited behavior is one of the downsides of office relationships. If they go awry, the resulting environment can be awkward for one or both persons. You just have to deal with the fallout, even if she is not making it easy for you.

I'm hoping that at least you did not propose to her at work. That would have been truly inappropriate.


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## break19 (May 25, 2013)

This exact scenario is why I will never attempt to begin a personal relationship with someone I will have to continue working closely with.

Makes things too awkward if/when the relationship goes sour.


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## _martin (May 25, 2013)

darkshadow said:
			
		

> I proposed to a girl and she rejected.



You mean like propose to marry her or you just made a move on her? Girl's behavior is normal. Usually (not always ok) you don't want to be around somebody who you rejected - either breakup or when you got turned down. You need a closure. Hardly that can be achieved when you see that person every day. 

And how to forget her? Only time can do that. Well, other girl(s) help(s) that cause too.

A picture is worth a thousand words - @@cpu82's picture says it all. 

But I feel you - I got turned down by a girl with certain .. _je ne sais quoi_. It's not that often you meet a girl like that .. and we really did connect .. but she was engaged at that time already. I call it "life's b!tch", somebody calls it just "that's a life".


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## fonz (May 25, 2013)

I'm not quite qualified to play Miss Lonelyhearts, but I'll take a shot anyway.

Getting your heart broken doesn't just suck, it sucks donkey balls. Even more so if it involves someone you have to see regularly, such as a co-worker, a friend of a friend, a fellow student, etc. Believe me, I know.

Unfortunately (and this is probably not what you wanted to hear), there's no magic cure for a broken heart. You need to get over it somehow, but it's usually not easy anyway, let alone if you still (have to) see that person often. It *may* help to try and adopt a more casual approach to love. It *may* help to drink *IF (AND PROBABLY ONLY IF)* you have the discipline to not become a problem drinker (in fact, going into a bar and pouring your heart out might even make you some new friends). It *may* help to focus on a hobby (which could be whatever tickles your fancy). It *may* help to start looking at other women with or without actively pursuing them.

In the end, the best I can say is that *it will get better*. Right now it may seem as if your world is ending, but over time you will start feeling less miserable, start feeling good (or at least neutral) more often than bad, etc. But still, you *do* need to get over it and that usually takes time (and probably lots of it). If you have no outlet (e.g. a hobby), you're just going to have to hang in there and ride it out. It may suck for a while, but believe you me it will get better eventually.

Considering that you also have a working relationship with this woman, the best I can do is to tell you to just act like nothing happened. Say hello when you meet her, but try not to care too much if she doesn't say it back. Don't bother her if it isn't necessary. If she is avoiding you, let her. After all, you *both* have to deal with what happened and it's probably not easy for her either. Just try to act normally. Again: over time, things will get better.

Best of luck!


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## drhowarddrfine (May 25, 2013)

I kid you not. I was with a girl, many years ago, who was going to "slip into something more comfortable" when she got a phone call from a guy wanting to talk about getting married. "I don't want to get married right now", she said.


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## zspider (May 26, 2013)

drhowarddrfine said:
			
		

> I kid you not. I was with a girl, many years ago, who was going to "slip into something more comfortable" when she got a phone call from a guy wanting to talk about getting married. "I don't want to get married right now", she said.



I actually understand what you're talking about, believe it or not.

In this case she wanted to ride the carousel one more time first and that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of all the other weird things they do.

For me, the days of those kind of matters are long over. The things I witnessed and the experiences I had, permanently destroyed my faith in them. But life after has been pretty good. That's my life story and I'm sticking with it. 

As for the OP, make sure you don't get put in the friendzone. Get far away from that evil place.


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## j_m (May 26, 2013)

darkshadow said:
			
		

> Hello
> 
> I proposed to a girl and she rejected. After that I still have feelings for her and we work in the same company. How can I forget her? She starts refusing to work with me or talk to me. Isn't it me who should be angry for getting rejected? Why did she start avoiding me?



The best method is looking for sex not for love.


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## YZMSQ (May 26, 2013)

j_m said:
			
		

> The best method is looking for sex not for love.


It seems that love and sex cannot be separated.:e


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## drhowarddrfine (May 26, 2013)

That's not what all the social forums say, though!


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## halplus (Jun 2, 2013)

darkshadow said:
			
		

> Hello
> 
> I proposed to a girl and she rejected. After that I still have feelings for her and we work in the same company. How can I forget her? She starts refusing to work with me or talk to me. Isn't it me who should be angry for getting rejected? Why did she start avoiding me?



Tipical . She is testing you. So far so good there are good news for you. You don't have to forget her as you can have her! Ignore any attempt from her to discourage you. Assume is all a big lie because it is. Pretend it never existed. Woman lie and act a lot. Show her you are not easily taken down. And that is hard to affect you. Push forward. They always try to embarrass us. Turns us down. Even if they are feeling hot and horny on the inside. All woman do that. She needs to see the male inside you. Show her some character. Next time, whenever you see her, get close and ask her with character (maybe a little bit angry). Why are you avoiding me? Confront her! She is weak and you are strong. Not only physically but emotionally. And never giver her any clue that she can put you under her control. You are the male and you are in control of the situation. Never give any clue you are affected at all by her thing. And make her doubt. Delay meetings with her. You set that. You are not in a hurry. Remember you are in control and you guide the relation. If you can flirt with other girls in front of her. That will make her doubt and there is nothing she can tell you as she took you down. You are free to do that. So far she believes she has you and that she is the center of your world. She will abuse that. Make her change her mind with actions. Show her she is not the center of your world even if it is the case. And never show her you would get into sex with her too easily until there is no way to take back. You decide that! Woman get impressed by guys who are hard to get. Ahh and whenever you speak with her be the one who ends the conversations. If she attempts to finish it take control of the situation by maybe asking another question and then **you** close it. And don't use the phone except to set a meeting.


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## h3z (Jun 2, 2013)

@halplus,

I was actually waiting for someone to reply like that. And, you might even be right. If you are I hope the guy doesn't actually get married to a girl like that. Maybe use brute impressing to get a rendezvous. But, girls like that are usually not someone you want to put a ring on. :i


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## jozze (Jun 4, 2013)

fonz said:
			
		

> I'm not quite qualified to play Miss Lonelyhearts, but I'll take a shot anyway.


Same here :e.



			
				gkontos said:
			
		

> Start hitting on her best friend / coworker. At the same time be polite and typical to her but ignore her completely.



It might work for an ex-girlfriend, but not for someone you proposed to marry. If you do that, she'll think that you're a jerk, who didn't care about her in the first place, and were only toying with her. Proposal isn't something so trivial.



			
				fonz said:
			
		

> It *may* help to drink *IF (AND PROBABLY ONLY IF)* you have the discipline to not become a problem drinker (in fact, going into a bar and pouring your heart out might even make you some new friends).



Hahaha, this brings back the memories. It didn't help to cure the wounds, but it was nice to have an excuse for an all-out drinking. All it did for me was give me a mask of happiness, when in truth it sucked donkey-balls :e. Still, I had some nice adventures because of that excuse. If you're sad and stuff, ask your friends out for a few nights of partying. It does help .



			
				halplus said:
			
		

> Why are you avoiding me? Confront her! She is weak and you are strong. Not only physically but emotionally.



IMHO this is a very good advice.

I don't know the details, but every rejection doesn't really mean rejection in a woman's mind. Just keep being friendly with her, give her some space for a while (like 1 week), but don't ignore her, or pretend she isn't there. After that ask her out for a coffee and explain to her like @DutchDaemon and @halplus suggested and tell her that her behavior was hurting you.

If she keeps ignoring you and being a like this forget about her -- she wasn't worthy of your love to begin with.


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## gkontos (Jun 4, 2013)

jozze said:
			
		

> It might work for an ex-girlfriend, but not for someone you proposed to marry. If you do that, she'll think that you're a jerk, who didn't care about her in the first place, and were only toying with her. Proposal isn't something so trivial.



I just can't imagine that someone would propose to marry a girl that he is not in a relationship with. So, the word "proposed" by the OP didn't strike as a marriage proposal to me.

Regarding the ex-girlfriend, why the hell would you want to mess again with an ex unless you are out for a quicky? Which totally beats the purpose of trying to make her jealous and you simply move on directly to her friend.


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## jozze (Jun 4, 2013)

gkontos said:
			
		

> I just can't imagine that someone would propose to marry a girl that he is not in a relationship with. So, the word "proposed" by the OP didn't strike as a marriage proposal to me.



OK, that's true, my bad for not speaking more clearly. I meant that there is a difference to how long you knew each other and how long you've been dating. If it's been only 3 months or something, then OK. But if it's been 3 years ... then it's probably IMO not a good idea to start hitting on ohters.

But then again it changes from a woman to woman. Some might find it hot, and will get jealous, but for some it might be the same as confirming that you're an **** and that every moment she spent with you was a total waste of her time. In my experience, there are more women that are of the second type and might be more unforgiving, but maybe that's biased.

And again, I'm not exactly the one for Miss LonelyHears here :e.


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## hitest (Jun 4, 2013)

I am very sorry to hear about your recent disappointing experience.  In my opinion it is time to move on and let this go.  I suggest that you give the woman some space and leave her alone.  Love is only love if it is reciprocated.  If you back away you may be able to rekindle your friendship with your coworker.
Best wishes!


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## throAU (Jun 11, 2013)

drhowarddrfine said:
			
		

> I kid you not. I was with a girl, many years ago, who was going to "slip into something more comfortable" when she got a phone call from a guy wanting to talk about getting married. "I don't want to get married right now", she said.



Inquiring minds need to know:

Did you think twice about continuing on from there?
Did she?




OP

Working with someone in that situation sucks (been there - not the proposal, but a fling).  No way around it.  Best thing you can do is find someone else and/or demonstrate to her that you are over it and have moved on.  Even if you haven't.

If she thinks you still have a thing for her, it's going to be weird and awkward.

This is a big reason why trying to keep this sort of thing away from work is generally a good idea.  Easier said than done, sure...


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